Backstage Pass: 5 things you never wanted to know about strippers.

1) What do strippers do when they have their periods?

I so innocently asked myself on my very first night of work. Well it turns out, they go deep sea fishing, and by that I mean, like the good little troopers that strippers tend to be, they cut the strings from their tampons, shove them well past where the light can reach, and then in a few hours, they hunt - pushing, pulling and pinching to find the dry wads of fucking cotton hiding in their coochie.


2) The pole spins.

Yup, it does. I'm sorry to disappoint you if you were imagining those 120 mph twirls coming solely Sapphire's gyrating hips, but it's probably actually that the pole spins. I add this as an important warning to any of the young and boob-bearing who might be considering a career climbing the pole, because god help you if you strut down the stage and expect something steady to anchor the momentum of your first spin. Unknowing girls have ended up on the ground.

3) That girl on all fours, bouncing and shaking it for Daddy, is probably farting.

Strippers are humans too, and far be it for them to walk around all night feeling bloated. So if she's out of ear/nose shot, and she's on all fours, or she's bent over real far by the pole, odds are good she's doing a little more than letting it all hang out. But never fear, for all the perfume, beer and smoke in the room, you'll probably never notice.

4) You just bought me a $7 shot of Juicy-Juice.

Believe it or not, some of us don't drink (let alone have life dominating addictions), but it's bad for business to say "no" to a shot girl who's actually managed to convince a customer to buy you all a round. It also doesn't make you any friends in serving or management, and you really, really want friends there. Some of the more clever shot girls I have known have kept a row of juice "shots" in their trays that contain not even a drop of alcohol, for dancers like myself, who don't drink (or who don't drink on the job), so we can still help them make some money and avoid breaking that special bond we have with our customers over a social awkwardity (it's a word now, bitches). Bless their lying little hearts.

5) Beware the fumes.

Thank you very much, society at large, for helping so many women to be incredibly self conscious of the way their cha-chas smell. Strippers are not exempt from this. Up in the dressing room, girls are constantly baby-wiping (which, to be fair, is also to whisk away any stage debris), body spraying, perfuming, and even occasionally blow drying* their little ladies in order to be sure that when your lean your leering face in to the stage to get a good look, the only thing you smell is Morning Dew, or Rosebushes, or a Tropical Citrus Sunset, motherfucker.


*Yes. I once (more than once actually) came up to the dressing room to see another dancer standing, one leg hoisted up on the makeup table, with an actual blow drier, the kind meant for your hair, aimed directly at her cho-cha. She said she had to dry it out because for some unknown reason she kept getting wet while she was onstage. Here's hoping she was holding the "cool" button.